This may get a little rambly, emotional and philosophical.
This morning, my son said to me, “I’m going for a run Mom, like you.” Those few words stopped me in my tracks in a good way. I was so happy that I was doing something good for myself and influencing him in a positive way. I have never really been fit and I have been very lazy. I used to be very skinny but even then, I wasn’t fit. A while ago, I changed my mindset. I can’t pinpoint the exact cause and it has been a gradual process and I am still not where I want to be but I decided to do something for myself. I needed time to myself and the best way to get that is by taking time to work out. I want my family to be proud of me but I want to be proud of me.
I have been thinking about my life lately and where I am, where I came from and the ideas that I had in my head of how my life would be. In my youth, as is the case with most young people, I arrogantly thought I could control every aspect of how my live would play out. Ha ha ha ha ha. I can laugh at myself now. Some things are exactly what I wanted and some are not.
Firstly, I do not live in the country where I was born and spent the first 18 years of my life. It is very hard to move away from friends and family when you are at the junction of childhood and adolescence and adulthood. I am fortunate to still be friends with many of my high school buddies but those relationships have also changed. I am closer to people that I may not have been very close to in high school and vice versa. Similar circumstances bring us together, marriage, kids, life experiences have a way of creating bonds.
Right now, I am writing as my two little monkeys play around me. I have to pause often, to break up a fight or play a game or soothe a boo boo but I am lucky that I have this time to express myself. It is very funny how your priorities change as your life does. I always had goals- finish school, get a job, buy a home, get engaged, get married and all of that happened. Then, baby # 1 and baby #2 came along. We hoped and dreamt of them so we were ecstatic to have them. However, I no longer had the drive or desire to focus on the career I was in. I didn’t want to deal with the petty politics, the travel, the long hours and the stress so I gave it up after baby #2. I also gave up my income. That still is a big adjustment for me. I have always had my “own” money. Now, Baby Daddy brings home the bacon, I freelance but that is inconsistent and I cannot rely on that right now as a regular source of income. But, frustrating as it is, I LOVE spending my days with my little ones. I am privileged that I can do that right now. I get to see them go through all of their stages, although I wish I could skip the challenging ones.
So for today, I will remind myself to appreciate what I have and be grateful for my life. After all, I could be stuck in some gross airport, waiting on yet another delayed flight with a chauvinist boss breathing down my neck. I’ll take the snotty noses and snuggles from my boy and my girl instead.